Seven things I have learnt about standing up to workplace bullies
I wish I had known these at the beginning of my career
I am in a WhatsApp Group with a bunch of brilliant women my own age — late thirties and early forties. Recently we were discussing our early workplace experiences — the triumphs, the embarrassing fails, the lessons learnt and the advice we would give our younger selves, having had twenty years or so experience in the workplace. And the more we traded stories the more we realised that, sleazy men aside, the main issue we encountered was bullying, from people either senior to us, or who were at the same level but for whatever reason considered themselves to be senior.
This bullying wasn't the kind you get at school — no hair pulling or obvious name calling — but we all had stories of colleagues deliberately trying to steal our thunder, making us feel our contributions were worthless or undermining our confidence. There were insidious examples of workmates with whom our everyday interactions would make us feel bad.
The good news however is that now older, wiser, and in more senior positions ourselves, we felt better equipped to handle these incidences. So what advice would we give to our 20-something year old selves, and therefore to any one of you experiencing workplace bullying?
1. Do not act like a victim
You were given the job on your merits and you have a right to be there. I made the mistake of telling one mean older woman in one of my workplaces that I was thrilled to be offered the job and had not expected to get it. “I had not expected you to get it either” she said, although she had been on the interview panel and pivotal in deciding that it was offered to me. I realised then I should never have revealed this weakness, or acted humbly. Instead I should have walked in that first day acting as if it was absolutely right that I should be offered that job and that I was good enough to do it. This doesn't mean that you cannot learn from others, or that you know everything to know. But it does mean that from the moment you accept a job offer, that is your job and you must inhabit it.
2. Take your time
One of the things it seems that many workplace bullies have in common is to send long accusatory emails, often out of hours or on the weekend. When I would receive such a message on a Friday afternoon, it would ruin my whole weekend, and therefore the weekend of the people I lived with — as I would spend it worrying about the work situation rather than being present in whatever we were up to in our non-work life. I have come to realise however that the timing of such messages, as well as the content, is a bullying tactic, designed to control your mood even outside of the office. So remind yourself that very few messages are urgent, and that if they come out of hours or at the end of the day you can read them the next day and reply when you have had time to think about your response. And with this in mind, scheduling responses is a gamechanger. I like to write my emails late at night in a quiet house having had time to let my brain work on them in the background. But if I schedule them to send at 9am the next morning not only do I not get a reputation for being that person who send emails all hours, but I have time to start my day with other pressing issues knowing they cannot send a response until they have read it.
3. Make them say it to your face
People are braver on email — so if you can face it, it is actually better to demand they say what they have to say to your face. When you receive an aggressive email from a colleague, or a long message asking you to do things or telling you work is not up to scratch, the temptation is to reply by email. But tone is impossible to get across on email, so if possible ask for a phone or video chat, or an in person meeting. “Thank you for your email — can we have a quick chat to clarify exactly what you would like me to do?” Now you are making them interpret their own message, not someone else.
4. Do not hide
One colleague in one of my jobs used to be such a bully — in person and by email, one on one and in meetings with others, that it got to the stage where I was scared to bump into them at work, despite many other colleagues telling me that I was not the only one and that I should not take it personally. I used to use the disabled toilet with its own handwashing facilities so that I would not risk bumping into them in the communal bathroom, and turn up late to staff meetings so I could choose a seat far away from them. But this was making myself into more of a victim. When, years later, another colleague started to act in the same way to me, I started to hide again, taking the back route from the station to my office so our paths, literally, did not cross. But then I seized control of this situation and decided to be brave. I would walk the way I wanted to walk and if we saw each other I would wave and continue walking. If they chose to fall in step with me they could, and they could make the small talk. And if they sat next to me in a staff meeting, I could say hello and then go back to whatever I was reading. And merely taking this decision made me feel braver. Not every encounter has to be a meaningful conversation — and this is easier if you have a line ready in your head to escape should they try to make it one. “Can we discuss this in the office — I have some preparation to do for my first meeting” or, if you really want to get away, “You go ahead, I have a call to make.” Having a prepared line makes you much less likely to need it.
5. You do not need to be friends with every single person you work with
This was great advice from a colleague in one of my first jobs. He was so right — some of my best friends have come through work, some of my best friends’ partners have come through work. But that doesn't mean everyone you work with will become your partner, best friend or even someone you would invite to a party to make up the numbers. When you realise this, and that it doesn't matter whether you like a colleague as a friend, or vice versa, but that what matters is whether you can manage to work together, something shifts in your interactions.
6. Remember it’s their issues not yours
In one of my jobs a colleague suggested we get lunch in the canteen together. She looked at the choices and said “I try not to eat processed meat as I am worried about cancer.” On my tray of course was some kind of processed meat that I then ate shamefully. That I remember this over a decade later shows the impact. The same colleague would sometimes wait until we had both bought a coffee, take a sip and then say how disgusting the coffee was, thus causing me to feel bad for not finding it disgusting, as if I was too unsophisticated to know bad coffee when I tasted it. So what is the advice here to my younger self? Don’t go for lunch or coffee with colleagues that you don't like or who don’t like you. (“Thanks for the invite but I already have plans/Thanks but I need a bit of time alone”). But also, these food issues were her issues not mine. In fact bad behaviour always says more about them than it does about you, a fact very worth remembering.
7. Make sure your life is about more than just work
Work is important. It is one of the ways we give our lives meaning as well as spending a lot of time actually doing it. But it is not the be all and end all. When I met my husband I stopped caring so much about work, because my happiness did not depend on having a good day at work. When I had my children, it meant even less to me. I wanted to do a good job — that never changed — but it was also put in perspective. A bad day at the office could be turned around by a good evening at home. This doesn't need to be a relationship or kids — friends, hobbies, family visits, anything that means work is not your only, or main, focus. And in terms of bullies, when you have other things in your life of which they are absolutely zero part, they can hurt you less.
